Fed Up!

More of a personal post this week. I’m feeling frustrated and fed up with fertility. The kind of frustration where I’m screaming into pillows at home, unexpectedly tearing up at my smear test and multi-tasking like a Goddess to override system incompetence.

It definitely feels like things are getting very real and about to launch. We’ve both signed consent forms, done final body checks and tests and the next step is finding our donor.  

The communication with the clinic has been quite poor and we’ve had inconsistent messaging and communication of what exactly I had to do medically and when and where we were to complete our consent forms.

We ended up having to complete all of our forms on our own last night with no direction or support from the clinic, yet are letter said we would be having a joint 90 minute appointment at the clinic to go through everything to be sure we understood what we were signing. We were waiting to go ahead with this plan until earlier this week we got a text to say our consent forms were overdue and our treatment may then be delayed if they weren’t done promptly. All very confusing and stressful.

I’ve had some health record issues where the health service in Northern Ireland have misplaced my records and the NHS in Scotland have no record of me from before moving here. It means, I have to re-immunised for certain vaccines before I can go through treatment.

Although we’ve not started treatment in the clinic yet, I’m not feeling very confident or assured about how are experience will be as their seems to be a “one size fits all’ approach with no accommodations made for different individuals, couples or families seeking support.

LGBT competency training is definitely needed to improve the service and make it feel like a safer and more welcoming place for LGBT and Queer folk. The majority of LGBT and Queer people will be completely reliant on Assisted Conception Services to start their family. It feels sad that even then, there is still a consistent lack of consideration in service provision in that group.  

Some of the barriers or micro-aggressions we’ve experienced so far have been:

* Assumed to be straight and Cis couple right away.

* Not having my husband included on any letters or appointments as I’m the only one having to go through treatment.

* Being questioned about using condoms and met with a negative reaction when I say we don’t use them for safe sex.

* Questioned on why myself and my husband wanted to meet with other Queer people going through fertility so we could authentically be ourselves and feel safe in certain spaces.

* Be given fertility resources that have little to no reference to LGBT people or including a couple in the same situation as us.

* Being asked to come in for a certain investigative procedure and be told by other staff in the clinic that “That mustn’t be true and I must have got it wrong”.  It was true, I hadn’t got it wrong and I did have to have the procedure.

* Having to complete pregnancy tests that I knew would be negative to prove I wasn’t pregnant and questioned on when I last had sex with my husband.

* Awaiting 2 months for the result of that test by phone consultation. Where the staff member called me from her car, accused me of never having the procedure as she didn’t have the results in my file and then she expected me to tell her if my results were okay or not. I’m not a medical professional and that was her responsibility and the whole point of the call. I still don’t know if my results are from that test.

* My husband being sent a semen sample kit.

* Completing consent forms that didn’t have our need for seeking fertility treatment in the options given as any LGBT fertility seems to be lesbian and gay focused.

All in all, I’m feeling very frustrated and exhausted and I still have to start treatment. I was hoping that I’d be feeling more confident and assured about the care and understanding from the clinic but I think it’s just predominantly due to a lack of competency and forethought from the clinic.

It gives me an idea of what to potentially pre-empt with treatment, an awareness of what might need to be contended with and where we might feel invisible or overlooked with treatment.

I’m hoping it’s just a rocky start more so in relation to policies and paperwork and the face-to-face support will be much more informed and aware of our situation.

I’ll keep you posted!